new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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