did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
