I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
