I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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