I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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