i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
