My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
