I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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