I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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