He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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