She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
