I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
