I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
