Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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