Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize