Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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