If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize