Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm at about main and main street
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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