I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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