Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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