Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
3pm strippers are depressing
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
