hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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