its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
