Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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