a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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