Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
