went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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