why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
