remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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