I wish my penis had an off switch
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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