im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
