i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
