They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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