I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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