I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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