i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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