i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
