All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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