i already hear my dad disowning me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
