nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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