Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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