Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
