he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
