So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
