So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
