I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.