Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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