I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My vagina just recognized that song.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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