Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
