You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
