do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
