only if we run a train.
done.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
