Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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