I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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