Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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