We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
