Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
