erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
