I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
