i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
