so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
