did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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