Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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