so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
